My Healing Journey - FromTrauma to Thriving

The Butterfly Effect – The Full Story

A Sensitive Child

As is the case with many who choose to pursue the alternative healing arts, my introduction to the world of spirituality was anchored in the pursuit of my own healing. I came into the world as a child who was as emotionally delicate as a feather – pure light and affection that was delightful to some and overwhelming to others.

Early Challenges

I found the early years of primary school challenging because of bullying – I'd faced two rounds of it. The first round was rooted in harmless taunts that I took personally at the time but soon got over. Stuff said to me that I can't even remember now. Stuff about which I hold no ill feelings or animosity.

The Sadistic Bully

The second round of bullying that I faced at the age of 10 lasted 18 months and triggered a cascade of tragic events that shaped the next decade of my life.

At 10 years old I fell in love with a boy a little older than me who wanted nothing to do with me. I was too overweight at the time, and he gleefully and enthusiastically reminded me of this every chance he got. I remember how creative he was in the cruelty of his taunts – calling me fatso, tubby, tub of lard, extra large, mass concrete. I remember him kicking footballs at me. I remember him cornering me with two other boys in a football dressing room as I tied my shoelaces and how he smirked with satisfaction as he called me fat and humiliated me. I remember how smug and satisfied he seemed at humiliating me over and over again. Punishment for daring to want to be with him.

The Sexual Predator

Over time, I became a shell as every piece of my already brittle self-esteem whittled away into nothing. I felt traumatized and trauma-bonded to this sadistic bully, and I could not reconcile the cruelty he had inflicted on me, even at that young age. So I sought refuge and advice in a much older man that I knew who was a little over two decades older than me. I saw him as a mentor, a friend, and a secondary father figure. Unfortunately, he saw me as a child lover and introduced me to a network of sexual predators, and so the next 5 years of my life were marred by extreme sexual abuse. After that, I spent several years in a cycle of being drawn to predatory men who were attracted to my damaged state and vulnerability and who only ever used me.

Why "The Butterfly Effect"

I titled this testimony "The Butterfly Effect" because I have sometimes wondered how the trajectory of my life would have changed had I never loved that boy, had he never bullied me, and had I never asked my abuser why this boy was so cruel—which was the genesis of my relationship with my abuser and the devastating abuse and trauma I endured as a consequence. I have wondered how life would have been different if it had been more "normal" and not been marred by mental illness and abuse by individuals who showed zero accountability, shame or remorse for their actions, even decades later.

As a consequence of all of this, I ended up in hospital with suicide attempts, self-harmed, faced bouts of eating disorders, chronic anxiety, depression, and a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Finding Love – The First Safe Man

Life began again at 21 when I met my husband Ronnie. To be seen as a human being who was worth something – not a punching bag or a sex toy – was a revelation and the flicker of light in the darkness that then grew into the most beautiful and endearing love I have ever and will ever know. Ronnie is patient, loving and kind. But also, he is fair and just. He holds me accountable, which I need sometimes, and I do the same for him. He has stood by me in my most difficult times as I have tried to heal and become a whole person again. His love has been my North Star, guiding me forward towards happiness and healing, when getting lost in the pain and trauma would have been so much easier. Unhealed trauma sabotages happiness, and I have healed as much for his sake and the sake of our marriage, as I have for myself.

Finding God on My Own Terms

My healing completely fell into place when I found God. It's hard not to say that without it seeming trite or that I have lost myself to religion. I don't need a church or to have a priest tell me what to do or think, but I feel peace and comfort in prayer. I have asked God over and over to show me the way to happiness, and bit by bit the path to recovery has been revealed to me. I feel more trust in myself, and in life and I don't feel bitterness about the past. I feel like that 10-year-old again, just before it all went downhill, full of hope, enthusiasm and affection for life.

Returning Home, Whole

I've met the most wonderful people – some of the strongest men and women I have ever known. Good people, kind and loving people, who have healed me too. All of this is coming up now because in a few years Ronnie and I will be moving back to Kerry, and I'm looking forward to it. I remember a time when I swore I'd never go back. I also swore I'd never touch any of the memories of my adolescence because it was too big, ominous and painful, but I did and here I am. I'm me again, whole and healed, full of love and life.

My Message to You

You are stronger than you think you are.

I was emotionally fragile, vulnerable, easily manipulatable, conflict-averse, mentally ill, not well put together, traumatised, depressed, abused and in constant mental anguish. But I never gave up on myself and decided that if there was any hope or chance I could heal, I would grab that with both arms.

The path to healing has not been linear, and sometimes it feels like going two steps back, one step forward. However, like a field that has been scorched by fire, the soil can heal and new life can thrive.

Whether you work with me or not, and never look at this website again, remember to never give up on yourself. Whatever you are struggling with, you will find your way home.

Love,

Linda X

**Content note:** This page contains references to childhood bullying, grooming, and sexual abuse. Reader discretion is advised.