pt-How Love Saved my Life

Unfortunately, the heaviness of a cultural legacy of shame, restriction, repression, conformity and adherence to a strict set of social expectations I was neither attuned to, nor had any idea how to navigate, toppled with multiple bouts of bullying, as well as sexual abuse created an internal landscape full of torment, pain, and suffering. The anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, body dysphoria, undiagnosed ADHD and BPD, as well as what I am now convinced was relentless psychic attack that lasted years, left me a teenager that did not see the point in living. What was once a lush and blooming internal landscape of curiosity, affection and hope - tempered by shyness - became an internal wasteland as people showed me the worst of them, handing me satchels of their anger, judgement, and shame, as if it were mine to carry. The light and spirit which I carried slowly dimmed and my self-esteem was chipped away until I was effectively dead inside. 

By 14 I was ready to go - I'd seen enough of the world, and I had had enough of my internal and external torment. So I decided I would take my own life. Not long after, I saw a picture of my two younger sisters as small children laughing and covered in washing up bubbles. I remember looking at that photo and deciding that I would not take that smile away from them. In that moment, love of my sisters saved my life. 

Around the same time, I had an argument with my mother. I was very difficult to deal with at the time and full of explosive rage and pain, and we didn't see eye to eye very often at that time. I remember once screaming in her face, and her bursted into tears. She told me that if I had a broken leg, she would know how to help me but she didn't know what to do because the problem was in my head. Her exasperation and despair were palpable as she wept, and in that moment I saw my mother in all her boundless compassion and love. She wept for me and I understood that all she ever wanted was for me to be happy. In the darkness and anger of my torment, I felt a love that was endless and unconditional, and while I was at war with myself, I knew then she was fully on my side. 

At 19, after an invasive medical test to ensure I had not contracted an STD from my rapist, I realised that I had missed a counselling appointment at my college. I was so mentally weak and vulnerable, as I had only just disclosed my abuse to my parents, who were completely devastated by the news. In the chaos of it all, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided to overdose on prescription antidepressants. I had texted my father to say I was sorry and I loved my family but that I was not strong enough to endure this anymore. I turned off my phone, and proceeded to take my antidepressants in an attempt to take my own life. I was a handful of tablets in, when I heard a voice that I now recognise as the voice of God shouting in my ears "Your sisters!". I immediately snapped out of the state I was in, proceeded to force myself to vomit the medication in my college dorm room sink, and turned back on my phone. In that moment, the love I had for my sisters again saved my life. 

The second I turned on my phone, I was blitzed with calls from my father, as well as a call from the counselling service at the university. Out of respect for my father's privacy, as well as that of the rest of my family, I won't go into any further detail here about what happened in my family home that day. But I will say that my amazing dad spent the next semester of college driving from Kerry to Limerick to pick me up and bring me home on the Friday, and back up to Limerick every Sunday. 6-8 hours of driving every weekend just to make sure I was OK. My God, I love that man and it was his love that helped to stabilise me, and ensure that I never did anything like that ever again. 

When I was 21, I met my husband Ronnie and that was a revelation. A gentle giant, full of non-judgement, who saw the best in me. Who despite how broken and damaged I was at that point, saw who I could become. Despite all odds, we decided to give our love a chance, got engaged, had a one year long distance relationship, getting married halfway through that long-distance period, and at the end of 2017, he moved half way across the world from California, to be my husband. Loving him and being loved by him has been the most transformative experience of all. We've been married eight years. We're both very stubborn and opinionated, we're both value driven, we've both shown patience and love for each other and see the potential in one another and his love has been the deepest, most nourishing, affirming, encouraging love I could ever hope for. The earlier challenges of our separation (with me being in Ireland and him being in America) fortified our love as something real and enduring. 

The love of my friends has filled the spaces where loneliness and isolation used to live. I know the most amazing people - from all walks of life - with pure hearts, good intentions, and shared mutual love of different things. I'm so blessed to have all these amazing people in my life - Emma, Sarah, June, Marcia, Rosi, Erin, Megan, Gemma, Brian, Aisling, Simon, Lyn, Val and many more. These are just some of the people who have helped me build this new fulfilled and happy life I'm now living. The pain of the past is almost like its from another life. 

Finally, the decision that weaved everything into place once and for all, was the decision to return back to God. I'm wired for service work, and I thrive knowing I am part of an infinite intelligent design underpinned by the unconditional love of the universe. I am as much a part of this beautiful web of life as a bird, or a tree or a bee. Through this awareness of interconnectedness, that I have found myself back into the arms of the divine creator, enthusiastic and ready to do my work on this earth, as God wills it to be done. 

Once upon a time I felt scorched and empty inside, but through the power of love grew the seed of life that then blossomed into something magical. My heart, mind, and spirit have healed, in a botanical way.