he-Accountability, Responsibility and Why I do not assume the People who have harmed me have changed (Personal Essay)

I previously wrote an Instagram post entitled "The Butterfly Effect", which was a testimony of my own personal journey of pain, abuse, bullying, trauma, mental illness and ultimately, growth, healing, love and transformation. I had detailed in it how the decision of one boy in my childhood to reject me romantically and bully me about my weight over an extended period had triggered a cascade of events that led to extreme abuse, a multitude of mental health issues, negative relationships patterns, and self esteem issues which required over a decade of healing. 

Again, I want to emphasise that people do harmful things as children, and I'm not trying to hold someone who was a child to the same standard of accountability as adults who also treated me very poorly in my younger years. However, I do mention this person because they were fundamental in my journey of suffering at the beginning of my story, which eventually led me to where I am now. 

The below is an excerpt from that social media post:

I came into the world as a child who was as emotionally delicate as a feather - pure light and affection that was delightful to some and overwhelming to others.I found the early years of primary school challenging because of bullying - I'd faced two rounds of it. The first round was rooted in harmless taunts that I took personally at the time but soon got over. Stuff said to me that I can't even remember now. Stuff about which I hold no ill feelings or animosity.

The second round of bullying that I faced at the age of 10 that lasted 18 months triggered a cascade of tragic events that shaped the next decade of my life. At 10 years old I fell in love with a boy a little older than me who wanted nothing to do with me. I was too overweight at the time, and he gleefully and enthusiastically reminded me of this every chance he got. I remember how creative he was in the cruelty of his taunts - calling me fatso, tubby, tub of lard, extra large, mass concrete. I remember him kicking footballs at me. I remember him cornering me with two other boys in a football dressing room as I tied my shoe laces and how he smirked with satisfaction as he called me fat and humiliated me. I remember how smug and satisfied he seemed at humiliating me over and over again. Punishment for daring to want to be with him.

Over time, I became a shell as every piece of my already brittle self-esteem whittled away into nothing. I felt traumatized and trauma bonded to this boy, and I could not reconcile with the cruelty he had inflicted on me, even at that young age. So I sought refuge and advice in a much older man that I knew who was a little over two decades older than me. I saw him as a mentor, a friend, and a secondary father figure. Unfortunately, he saw me as a child lover and introduced me to a network of sexual predators, and so the next 5 years of my life was marred by extreme sexual abuse. After that, I spent several years in a cycle of being drawn to predatory men who were attracted to my damaged state and vulnerability and who only ever used me. I titled this post "The Butterfly Effect" because I have sometimes wondered how the trajectory of my life would have changed had I never loved that boy, had he never bullied me, and had I never asked my abuser why this boy was so cruel, which was the genesis of my relationship with my abuser, and the devastating abuse and trauma I endured as a consequence.

My sexual abuser had many people who supported him, either by not believing me, or not caring enough to enquire about what happened. People who should have asked questions and should have cared about the truth often stayed silent or said they weren't "taking sides". I remember my abuser recalling how some of his friends had confronted him, saying they knew that he was engaging in sexual acts with me, but instead of treating it for what it was - the grooming and sexual abuse of a teenager- they treated it as though it were a sordid affair; both of our dirty little secret as opposed to my abuse/his crimes. 

In my most vulnerable, I was treated horrendously by some people. The common thread between the boy who was monstrously cruel to me (and who subsequently ignored me for years in secondary school afterwards), my sexual abuser, his supporters, and other bullies/predators that were to later filter into my life is that not one of them showed any remorse or accountability for anything they ever said or did or didn't do. I don't harbour lingering deep-seated grudges towards them, as I believe that bitterness and living constantly in the past does me no good, and I have allowed some forgiveness filter in for the enormous scale of the moral failings of others (particularly the adults that were my abuser's supporters at that time - either by directly supporting him or by opting to ignore the problem). However, do I think they've changed and are now morally just, kind, loving, upstanding, brave people - just because a lot of time has passed? Absolutely not. If anything years/decades of non-remorse have proven to me that they likely haven't changed much at all. I also believe that, in general, people choose comfort over truth, and thus I also believe that a lot of these people couldn't care less what the truth was, once it didn't affect them.

The concepts of accountability and responsibility are central to both psychology and moral philosophy. Accountability refers to being answerable for one's actions and acknowledging their consequences, while responsibility involves recognising one's role in harm and a willingness to repair it (Weaver, 2018). Within restorative justice frameworks, accountability is considered the first step toward healing, as transformation cannot occur without recognition of wrongdoing (Zehr, 2015). Without accountability, harmful behaviour is more likely to repeat, since the individual avoids confronting the impact of their actions (Tyler, 2006)

Remorse is closely linked to moral development. It is more than guilt—it involves empathy for the person harmed, regret for the action, and a motivation to change future behaviour (Baumeister, Stillwell, & Heatherton, 1994). Developmental psychologist Martin Hoffman (2000) argued that remorse plays a key role in empathic development, enabling individuals to integrate the suffering of others into their own moral compass. Caspi, Roberts, and Shiner (2005) found that while individuals can and do change across the lifespan, traits related to empathy, conscience, and emotional responsiveness tend to remain relatively stable. This means that in the absence of demonstrated remorse or accountability, there is little empirical basis for assuming transformation has taken place. 

I understand remorse can be expressed in non-verbal ways, as there still can be great difficulty for some people to express the depth of how sorry they are, and I respect and appreciate that. I have had people who failed me in the past show me they were sorry by their actions, which actually does mean more to me than words. To choose to believe a person didn't mean to do something, or feels regret or remorse for their actions and have changed, when they have said or done nothing to support that believe, is wishful thinking not grounded in reality, but rather in hopes, wishes, and needs for that person to be the person we say they are, not who they actually are. People show you who they are, and I think it's more grounded in reality to believe their actions are a better reflection of who they are as a person, than justifications and rationalisations we create out of thin air to convince ourselves of that person's goodness. 

For generations, Ireland was marked by silence, repression, and an avoidance of responsibility—whether in families, schools, or institutions. Admitting harm was often seen as weakness, while denying or burying it was normalised. In that kind of cultural environment, it is perhaps not surprising most people who hurt me or let me down showed no remorse.  We all grew up in a society where accountability was rarely modelled, and where shame was managed through silence rather than truth. In Ireland, remorse has too often been hidden, delayed, or replaced with silence. But without it, there is no real sign of growth. 

In summary, I don't assume any of those people have changed and my view of them is shaped by that belief, not some perceived goodness in them that I've never been exposed to for one reason or another. I don't live in a constant state of anger and bitterness towards them/because of them - I've managed to build quite a successful life personally and professionally over the last 13 years, through a simultaneous process of inner healing and taking a disciplined approach to school, college, and my career, as well as through the love of my wonderful parents, sisters, husband, friends and God.  At the same time, however, I also don't think the people who failed/abused me are good people either; simply for the fact that they have given me no reason to believe they are. I am more than willing to be proven wrong, but given that 15-20 years has passed with a deafening silence on all of their parts, I'm not holding my breath.